So I've officially got a teenager 8 years too soon...

the kid's now got a hollow leg for food. He ate a soft-taco-tortilla sized chicken & cheese quesadilla, rice, a pile of shredded lettuce, a nutri-grain bar, and two little cups of yogurt - and who knows what else if I hadn't cut him off to go take a bath! As he would say, 'Sheesh!'

At least he's not perpetually surly and hormonally overactive - *yet*. I can fix this part by buying more food, thankfully. :)

So I wouldn't have diddled around earlier this week if I would have known...

...that I'd be sick the end of this week. Natha had viral pink eye (the kind caused by an adenovirus AKA cold virus) and gave it to me, but I've just got more of a generalized viral infection than he did - he had it mostly in his eyes...

So I'm quite tired - I run out of energy quickly, then I need to lie down for a while... my head kind of feels funny and has a dull ache to it... and I woke up wednesday night in the middle of the night with vertigo... for those of you who don't know, I have Meniere's disease, although I control the vertigo attacks with diet (mainly minimal caffeine) & by limiting stress - so I just normally have a bit of ringing in my ears and a bad sense of balance when I'm having a 'bad day'. Since I've known what I had (May of 2000) I've been able to head off any serious symptoms... I've had it since I was about 14 or 15, though. It wasn't until I had Natha that it dawned on me to go to the doctor - I would have severe vertigo about once every 9 months or so, the kind where I can't move my head for 8 hours, and the attacks were almost always at night, so I'd just sleep them off, then wake up with a vertigo 'hangover' the next day... Then when I had Natha, I couldn't just sleep it off whenever it happened, so I went to the doctor before my health insurance through my mom ran out. When I got there, the specialist had his two residents (I think they were residents) do different physical tests to see if they made me dizzy. That was a *lot* of fun. He then sat me down with a video about Meniere's disease and told me that's what I had, very matter-of-factly. He gave me a prescription for 1/4 doses of Xanax (it was enough to calm just the inner ear) and some heartburn prevention medicine that they had discovered that one of the side effects was that it kept the inner ear in balance. If I only would have known then what I know now, I would have been enjoying me those goofballs while they lasted - he prescribed me enough to last 6 months, but I never took a single one of either of them. Oh well.

I've got to go run a bath for the Icky Boy, then remind him about 20 times to get himself dressed, brush his teeth, and get ready for bed. At least he's doing it all himself now. He also gets himself dressed in the morning, although it takes a while... for those of you with only children, you'd understand - you forget that they can do these things themselves and you keep going on doing them for them since it takes longer to occur to you that they really don't need as much help as you're giving them. Then you realize one day that they can do it themselves and you have to break yourself of your habit of helping them with everything, since they don't always mention that they want to do it 'all by myself!'

My rings were finally done & sized today, so I'm wearing them now - there are three of them - two plain gold 3mm bands with a channel-set 1/4 carat combined diamond row in the middle (12 diamonds in the row). I wear all three of them at the same time, and they look very pretty - almost like one ring since they fit together so closely. Since my fingers are so long, I can have more 'ring' on my finger and it look ok... one small band just gets dwarfed by my long-ish digits. Ed keeps saying I don't look happy enough to have them... but dear, I am - I'm just sick at the moment... I also am overwhelmed with emotion when I look at them - which is every time I notice them - which is every 5 minutes - and I'm not sure how to put my happiness into words...I also kind of want to go out to bars downtown just to get guy attention then politely mention that I'm married and show them my ring. To let them know, once, and for all, that they missed their chance. I like to be coveted and not available, instead of looking for attention and kind of desperate. Yes, I know I'm weird...

I might be writing more later, who knows. Depends on how I feel...

So I'm watching Dr. Phil, sitting around...

...no really, I'm not crazy anymore, I swear! I do feel much better and more clear-headed than I have in a month... I'm just working on taking care of other extraneous things that are keeping me from being my most productive - like how I just hadn't 'felt pretty' in a week or so (nothing done wrong on Ed's part, of course, just a feeling) so I Nair-ed my knees (they're impossible to shave) and did my finger & toenails (filed, manicured, and buffed them, then put lotion on), and now I feel much better. I also have to get the new plan down-pat so I've got it straight what I'm going toward now. It's a big change, although not nearly as big a change as my change I went through this time last year. I'm just refining my goal at this point, not rearranging my life to actually steer towards a goal. Instead of a 180 turn, it's like a 45 degree turn now. There are other things that need to be thought of now that my goal & somewhat schedule will be different in the fall. Like, for example, what school Natha will be going to kindergarten in the fall is a new question that comes up... He is currently in line to go to a magnet school this fall - back when I was living in a different neighborhood, the magnet school was a better choice than the usual school in our cluster for kindergarten. Now, Natha is a much different child, plus we live in a different neighborhood that has better test scores, ratios, diversity figures and programs than the magnet school. So, it needs to be considered that he might be best served at the elementary school closer to our house rather than the magnet school that *used to* be the best place for him. We've also got to figure out what factors into this decision and what does not - and whose opinions count and whose do not. That's just as much a factor as the statistics for the school... more on that as it develops...

I feel much better to have decided in which direction I am now going - there are now the details of how exactly to accomplish this goal. There is the change of research plan to knock back the scale drastically and the people that that affects at school - which is the main thing that concerns me at this point. I think that a lot of what I'm getting myself 'ok' with is the plan in general - making sure it's really what I want before I go and change the research plan. To go from being a very Hermione researcher who is after a publication to get into a PhD program of note to wanting to get a Master's degree and teaching license to become a science teacher (most likely in a high school) is a big change. Fortunately, I'm in a position at this exact moment to go down the alternate path without having to backtrack much at all. I'm quite fortunate to be going through these thoughts at the moment I am - I've taken the research class that I have to, I'm even in a lab where I can do projects of varying lengths and depths quite easily. As a matter of fact, I'm supposed to be figuring my project out for my thesis this week. Talk about timing. :)

Ed and I were talking at lunch about how much better behaved Natha is now - and the factors responsible for him changing to the somewhat-still-dramatic-at-times but infinitely-improved-overall child. There are a lot of reasons why Natha has changed, most of which transpired either directly or indirectly because of Ed's dedication to what has now become a lovely family instead of just a mother-and-child-brownian-motion. I hope he realizes the impact he's had so far on Natha - and why it was important for it to start now... I'm sure when Natha's older and graduates from whatever high school & college, he'll look back at Ed and I and thank us both for what we've done and will do for him between now and then to make it possible for him to be a happy, successful person. Even though I'm sure it's not going to be a smooth ride without any bumps - Natha *is* very much a boy-ish boy and will continue to challenge the both of us in new and interesting ways. That doesn't mean that we're not going to surmount them, however. Ed, you're a wonderful father, and I consider myself even luckier than I thought before because I've not just found the *one* for me, but I've found the best father ever at the same time. Imagine that! I was hoping to find one, but here I managed to find both of them, and they're the SAME person! Think of the odds of that one - and I wasn't even looking for him yet, but he found me - at a bar, no less! *Definitely* not the encouragement I'd like to give those people out trolling bars looking for that one person to marry in a large rose-colored fairytale wedding and live happily ever after and have lots of babies because that's what she thinks she wants (for the girls) or for some chick they can 'do' and not have to take to dinner and call her later because that's what he thinks he wants (for the boys). Doesn't help either of them have a honest appraisal of the bar-as-a-method-of meeting-people situation... but then again, girls don't usually like me to begin with, so this is just another thing to add to the laundry list, and the boys don't know what they're missing when they didn't call me back (and no, they didn't take me home and 'do' me - because I wouldn't let them- I just gave a few of them my phone number and they didn't call back. Oh, darn. :) ) See, going to the same bar once a week for several years pays off!!!

I need to delve more into deeper emotional things, so I'm off to write in my non-computerized journal for a bit. Yous guys don't get to read that one, though. I might be back later, depending on how that goes - I'm getting my fill of drama at the moment, watching paternity drama on Maury. I know, I've got more guilty pleasures than I thought. It just so happens that until recently I haven't gotten to enjoy them as much as I would have liked, and now I have a little more time for them. They make me feel silly, but in that good, pint of peanut butter and chocolate ice cream in one sitting kind of way...

So I'm back from my short visit to Kentucky...

and I didn't think I'd ever be happier to be back here, doing laundry, cleaning the house, and otherwise organizing than I was up in Kentucky doing nothing much... Don't get me wrong, it's nice to see everyone, and Natha and I had a good time being there - I've just become very comfortable in my house and don't care to leave too often, especially if I need to clean or do laundry.

Now, on to other important things... Ed got the hint (I'll call the sneaky way in which I dropped it 'hinting') and we went and picked out a different ring *set* than he had originally bought this past saturday - I've picked out a channel set diamond band that is the fancy-pants curved-on-the-inside kind, and then two plain gold bands to go on both sides of it. I also got the diamond from my mom yesterday, so when it gets reset I can wear it with the other three (or two, depending on how it looks) when I want to be fancier. I can't wear the marquis diamond all the time due to my current occupation, but it's a pretty, feminine thing to wear when I can...

I've also had some more realizations on what I should be doing for a more long-term goal, and how my goals best fit with those of the family as a whole... and the verdict is... biology teacher, most likely high school. So, the biggest change that goes along with this decision is the change from a Master's degree with a thesis to a Master's degree without a thesis. Since research isn't my main focus and teaching labs as a GTA is a more important, taking the option I have to *not* do a thesis makes the most sense. Even if I do decide to go into research, I'll have taught school or worked otherwise, which will be more important than my lack of a thesis. It's not that I'm abandoning the research during the degree entirely, it's just going to be a summer project thing instead of a year-and-a-half thing that requires a long, written document. It's just turned out that I'm way more domestic, feminine, and teacher-like than I had previously realized - and I hadn't thought of my life in terms of an entire family (Ed, Natha, and I) when considering what I should spend my time and towards what I should be working. My family, teaching, and classes are the three most important things I need to spend my time on in the next couple years - to put research in there isn't doing any justice to how important the other ones are - especially the family part. Ed's working a lot to establish and accomplish a lot of things work-wise for a foundation for the future, and Natha's starting school this fall. My support for them when they need me to take care of the incidentals so they can focus on their activities is very important to me right now... not so important, mind you, that I stop going to school and become a stay-at-home mom - but important enough not to sign myself up for something that isn't really very important to me in the long run.

Another consideration in this is something Ed and I both came to realize in the last few weeks - because I don't make a significant amount of money but I buy groceries, pay my specific bills, and buy other incidental things he has to end up giving me money by the end of the month - which polarizes our equality more than we'd like... if we'd been married for 10 years before I decided to go back to school, then we would have established our money habits a particular way... but the situation as it is, we're starting out this way - not to mention that I've gone from making all of my own money and paying all of my bills to making a minimal wage and having to ask Ed for $$ for necessities in the last 10 months. Now to finish the master's degree is another year and a half, which we can hang on until then - but to sign up for another 5-6 years of my personal poverty isn't the best thing for our relationship - not to mention how often I'd be away from the house. If I decide it's better timing and it's what I really want, down the road I can go back for a Phd then. Until then, I'll work toward being a teacher... If they didn't offer a non-thesis option at my school, it would be a different story. But, since it's an option, I'm going to take it... Feels nice to have things work out for everyone involved (or so it seems, thus far...) we'll see if it really does turn out that way...

Ed's reading this now... he's trying to get the sneak preview since he's sitting here hext to me... I've missed him in the last couple days, though... more than he'd think I would... and not just his mere presence, but the pernicious snuggling, hugging, and even smooching too. Even though he does try and get my to sleep on varying sides of the bed on occasion... as my mom said, ' what kind if weirdo wants that?' MY weirdo, that's who. And don't you forget it. *THBBBBTTTT!*

So my sister comes back from Japan for a visit tomorrow...

...she, my brother-in-law, and my niece live over there on an Air Force base. They fly in tomorrow night, so my mom is driving down to Nashville to go to the airport to get them. They're the last part of the family (other than my mom's parents) to meet Ed... We'll see if he still wants me after this part of the family...(just kidding, he's lasted this far, and I've got a wide variety of people to potentially think are nuts-in-a-not-so-good-way)...

We've been watching the other released Star Wars movies the last couple days - Natha's been seeing all the commercials, so he's been wanting to watch them... then he's asking lots of questions about who is related to who and what they're doing at any particular point. Ed, who knows all this stuff, has been there to answer a little bit, but he's still been working as much as he can. He's amazed that he knows the trivia that he does when he remembers stuff like the name of the guy who Anakin raced against in the pod race in Episode I. I'd be concerned if he wasn't a functioning member of society *but* could remember all this stuff, like tracing Family Guy quotes back to their season & episode number... but since he remembers important 'work' stuff too, it's just another endearing quality we somewhat share. I remember random bits of mainly non-fiction trivia, though. When it comes to straight memorization, I'd probably beat him, but as far as 'smart-ness' is concerned, he's got me beat. He's the only person that I was convinced was smarter (i.e. - quicker to catch on & knows more overall) than me not an hour after I met him. Most people I'd met before may have been very specialized and knew something specific that I didn't, like how to fix a particular thing, or they knew of a lot of things but no details. Then another subset of people I've met seemed to be my level, but after knowing them for a while they were revealed to be smarter/quicker/more agile than me, which is completely fine. He, though, is the smartest, sexiest, most pragmatic but caring person I've met so far, and I really don't think I'd meet anyone who is the knockout-combination he is, much less containing even more of one of the qualities than he does. That's why I'm going to marry him. Yep, I am. Gave me the ring today, he did. We're not legally married, but I think we've had all the ceremony we're going to (and want to, BTW.) Like I've said for a while, the being married is more important than the ceremony ushering one into marriage. No big to-do needed on my part, I'm happy being taken to the courthouse to make me an honest woman. (Make that a more-honest woman.) I want a dress to assign the title of 'wedding dress' but I don't need to wear it anywhere, nor does it need to be white. I just want this to be a reason to have a somewhat expensive, pretty, formal dress bought. There aren't many of those occasions in a girl's life.

I'm sure my mom is going to silently pooh-pooh the idea that we're having no to-do and she doesn't get to invite tons of people to a church wedding and have a big reception with a band and we all have to do the chicken dance after drinking more than we should. I'd like to have the family together to see each other, but I'm sure as h-e-double-hockey sticks not going to use a wedding the means for that one. I'm crazy, but not insane. I'm sure my mom knows in the back of her mind that this was how it was going to be. I'm not up for expensive fanfare most of the time. Cheap fanfare I'm all about, and I'm sometimes about expensive. At the same time, though, I'm not. Any thoughts by her that it was going to be a social event were purely devised as figments of her imagination, fo' sho'.

Now, I have to mention something, 'cause it's bothering me slightly, but I can't, at this point, look my gift horse in the mouth verbally per se. Ed was very very sweet and bought me a ring at the mall last saturday, then it had to be sized since girls don't come in that size and came back today so he could pick it up. I've been very anxious to have the ring and wear it - since that's what I've wanted here for a while now - no surprise about that. However, it's not quite what I would have expected or picked out for myself... if you would have asked me which qualities of a ring I'll be wearing all the time for the next indefinite period of time would have, I would have picked different ones than those qualities the ring Ed bought for me had. It's not that the ring isn't beautiful and that I'm not *very* happy to have it (it's been growing on me even since I've put it on earlier this afternoon) - I just wanted to get this off my chest - since I'm not comfortable going and acting somewhat spoiled by mentioning this. There are a lot of things I can tell Ed, but this is one I'd rather not say in person - he picked this ring for me and had this ring sized as the ring he wants me to wear. If it was up to him, I wouldn't even need a ring - we'd just know we're married and leave it at that. So it's spoiled rotten of me to look at a ring he bought specifically for me, at my request, and say it's not exactly what I wanted. It's very un-Southern Lady of me to say anything but nice things about it. I still can't help but think, though, that I've somewhat already given him clues to what I was thinking earlier, since I'm the world's worst bluffer, especially in front of him. He reads me like a book, and it's a Dr. Seuss book at that. So, sweetie, I'll wear this ring and wear it with pride indefinitely since you, the object of my affection *and* husband, gave it to me. However if you want to discuss it, I'll do that too - whenever you bring it up... :)

It's about time to fix something to dinner, 'fix' being a technical term. I'll have to try and pry Ed from the computer and ask him what he'd like to consume for the evening alimentation. Mebs! It's already 7:30 and that means Natha will be in bed late by the time we finish dinner. Oh well, it's friday night and tomorrow Natha gets to eat strawberry poptarts and sit in front of the TV and watch cartoons from the time he wakes up until 12 noon. Every kid should get to do that. We even kind of build it up all week so he's really excited. It's just a ploy, by all parents, to get the kids to take care of themselves so we can do whatever that one thing is we've been waiting to do all week and finally get a bit of time to do on saturday morning since we don't (theoretically) have to go to work. It's the one time I don't feel guilty for parking him in front of the TV with some sugary-sprinkled chocolate-frosted sugar bombs so I can lay about in bed for an extra hour (or three). Oh, and I like the extra snuggle time. Even though Ed has decided to be a retrograde, rogue scoundrel and decide that some nights, we're sleeping on opposite sides of the bed than we usually do, which completely and udderly (yes, that was on purpose) throws me off. It's like the world's out of whack in a slightly sweet kind of way, but not too severely. Well, I may enlighten you again tonight - if Ed's still up to that 'coding' thing he does and Natha's finally in bed and no longer using paintbrushes as light sabres. He said he wanted to be a Jedi when he grows up. He looks like Boba in the Episode I, though, and Kazu does somewhat resemble Jenga. I wonder where they're hiding the clones.

I would really like a Darth Tater. Now that's something in this madness I can get into. :)

So the results are in and I'm most definitely Hermione...

I finally got all of my grades back - let's just say I'm Herminone. I'm also trying to think about this summer and how the teaching & research will go... My brain is really fried, for some reason, today. I didn't do anything that mind-taxing today, really, compared to some of the other things I've done before, but thinking during a research meeting just took it out of me today. So now I'm watching a rerun of 7th Heaven (yes, I do watch that show on occasion, when no one's looking) trying to revamp my brain enough to cook dinner & hang out with Ed the little bit I can tonight... He's got a lot of work to do, I know and understand. I just can't help be a little selfish about the situation, though. I should help it, but I'm not in the frame of mind (femininely speaking) to be rational about this. I've now switched to Vh1, since 7th Heaven is over... the other guilty pleasure. I like them for the same reason I like pop music, so if you weren't reading then, go back and review my 'logic' for why that's ok. :)

Ed's working a lot. He has to sometimes. I just need to be supportive and helpful so he can be his most efficient... and it unfortunately always seems to happen that he's really really busy when I'm not. Like when he was busy last december/january, I wasn't busy at all and I got to be really in a funk. Part of that was from not having him in the usual capacity, and part of it was not being useful otherwise since school wasn't happening and we didn't live together. Now that we live together, I get to at least see him more often, plus I can always go get him something to drink or say I can fix dinner whenever I think it might be time... I try and just be supportive, and I know that he'd rather be spending time with me, so that's a bit of consolation. Then again, someone's got to make the money, and that's him. We wouldn't be able to have the lifestyle we do if he didn't work like he did - I know that and try to leave him alone so he can get things done. If I kept bugging him he would pay attention to me and then he would have to get me to leave him alone, which he shouldn't have to do ... That's not fair... I just need to know it's temporary (it may last a few months, but it's still temporary) and have something to mark when it's over to look forward to, which makes me more ok with the sucky part now.

It doesn't help though, that I'm on the crazy pills (hormones). Hopefully that won't last much longer, though, and I won't have to pop crazy pills to make my body behave otherwise. It exacerbates whatever annoying situation happens; it makes me not able to cope with the things that normally bother me and that I then keep myself from acting irrationally about it. So I'm kind of irrational. Especially right now. So Ed, honey, I'm trying not to be really difficult about this. I'm not trying to be more needy than usual...Just remember there are hormones in my system and I'm also somewhat annoyed with other things you know about (nothing at all with you, dear) - so I can't just act 'ok'. You know me better than that - I can't exactly lie about anything I happen to feel. Call it a superpower, call it a bane of existence. It's got good points and bad points. But that's how it is. I think we just need to see it as 'For better & for worse' on both our parts - whether I'm hopped up on the hormones or you're working all the time for a couple months - we're both here to stay.

I started crocheting a baby blanket for my sister - it's light blue, but that's one of my sister's preferred colors - not because it's a boy (because it's too soon to tell.) Hopefully I'll finish it in time. They're coming back from Japan this weekend - my brother-in-law is in the Air Force, and my sister & niece live on Yokohama air force base. They'll be here for about a month, visiting different people. I'm not sure yet what the schedule is for when Natha and I will be going up to Kentucky to see them... We'll see how that plays out.

Well, I think I'm going to suggest that we get something to eat for dinner, Ed & I. Natha is at the restaurant and we'll go get him later this evening - not too late, I hope, so he gets enough sleep & isn't cranky...

So today is Mother's day and I'm a mother...

it's by no means my *first* Mother's day, but it's a much different one than I usually have... I'm sitting here now with Natha, and he's of course playing Godzilla Destroy All Monsters - Ed's taking his mom to the airport - she's been here the last couple days. Ah, the first mother-in-law visit. That went really well (not that I thought it wouldn't), and it's now over... We really are two similar people considering we're so different otherwise, and that's becoming more evident the more I'm around her...

Ed bought me a ring this saturday, but it had to be sent off to some magic ring-sizing-land because everyone thinks that girls don't come in my size (8.5). :) It's a very pretty ring - Ed did very well. He's been remarking that I'm not excited enough about the presence of a ring... I'm trying to be very excited, as excited as one can be about a ring that hasn't been able to show up yet. I've been aware that I was, at some time, going to get a ring from Ed. So as great as it is that he's bought it, it's still not here - so it's hard to be overwhelmingly excited, although I am, really. I'm not sure how to react to someone giving me a ring. The only rings I've gotten I've gotten myself, and the only jewelry that has been bought for me has been from my mother - excepting the lovely earrings and necklace Ed's bought for me. So I'm sure how to react at all - this is uncharted territory... I hope he realizes that it's not that I'm not very excited, I'm not sure how to react and what I should do to show this excitement, short of sexual favors. ;)

We also spent a long time in Target this morning - just looking around at things and buying stuff. I'm ecstatic that he's bought me some nice skirts today, especially the one I'm wearing now. We got a bunch of shoes of various kinds for all three of us... which we somewhat needed. i'm tired now, though. We've been doing lots of shopping and hanging out - and I'm going through the 'really tired' phase after something big I've been doing is finished (in this case, school for the semester.) I should have some time to unwind tomorrow, and catch up on a few things before my meeting on tuesday... I've also got to see if the yoga instructor I like is still teaching on monday nights - if so I'll go tomorrow... then Ed and I are just going to hang out tomorrow night and do stuff for us, which I'm looking forward to...

We had a long talk last night about how next semester we'll both be very busy, and there's a potential to be too busy... and I'm trying to see what I (and we) can do to keep this from happening - which we may not be able to keep it from happening, and I'll just have to accept that. It was a good talk - mainly, amazingly enough, because we both didn't see the situation the same way and felt completely differently about what to do. It's good to have a talk like that every once in a while, so we remember we can work things out when we have very different opinions on what should be done. No screaming, yelling, name-calling, or otherwise bringing up things that don't belong in the conversation. We stuck to the issue, took some time, and even though we didn't resolve anything, we do know how each of us feels about what's coming up, and what, if anything we think should be and could be done about the situation. Most people try and avoid relationship problems, or things that need to be discussed in relationships, mainly because they're not good at talking about what needs to be talked about - and by not good, I mean not effective. I'd hope that we could work things out, or at least understand each other - we are, after all, going to be together for at least the next 70 years - then we're free to date. It would be difficult to keep us from killing each other otherwise. :)

I love my hunni bunni. Very much, I say!

So I had to get my own quiz...

and here it is! Also, on that last one, I'm dissappointed that Nashville wasn't an option - I think it would have matched me to Nashvegas!




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Your Geek Profile:

Academic Geekiness: Highest

Music Geekiness: High

Gamer Geekiness: Moderate

Geekiness in Love: Moderate

Movie Geekiness: Moderate

Fashion Geekiness: Low

General Geekiness: Low

Internet Geekiness: Low

SciFi Geekiness: Low

How Geeky Are You?

BTW, I'm supposed to be studying for a final I have at 10:20. You see how that's going! Ha!

So I've taken the quiz on which american city fits me best...

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American Cities That Best Fit You:

60% Miami

50% Atlanta

50% Boston

50% Chicago

50% Los Angeles

Which American Cities Best Fit You?

So I'm thinking about changing my career goals...

...to something that is more like what I truly find to be important. For those who don't know, I've wanted to have a PhD since I knew what one was - and I haven't rethunk it since long ago. Ed and I were talking about goals today when we had lunch at Olive Garden - and I think that now that my life has changed my goals should too. I need to do some more thinking about this - but instead of wanting to get to some high point where people think I'm really smart and as a way to prove things to other people, I'm thinking that I can do more things to make me happy instead of prove something to other people. I thought, going into graduate school, that the important thing was the research part, and the teaching was a bonus. But if you've noticed, I'm very intrigued and inspired by teaching science - biology in particular. See, I used to think that if I could do something, I had to do it myself because if I didn't, people thought I couldn't. I've since realized that this isn't very true - I can do whatever I want, and most people don't pay enough attention in general, much less to me, to think that way about how I was living myself. So, one reason for a PhD isn't very much a reason anymore. Also, I'd be the only person close to me (in my family) to have a PhD and having one makes me seem smarter than other people, that was another reason for me to want one. I'm not ambitious in that way anymore - I'd rather be happier than do anything for other people. So that's another thing that is no longer a reason.

Now, what to do about this. Since I like inspiring people to be interested in science and showing them that there are more ways to be in science than going to medical school - I can get them earlier this way, teaching in high school - and teaching both the lab aspects and lecture topics. There are other things to be considered, though. I don't mind going through two semesters to get a teaching license or however long it takes. I'd also like to have summers off so that I can do stuff with Natha and also travel more. I'd also have health insurance (as Ed pointed out) which is something that is somewhat of a bane of his existence being self-employed. Not to mention that schools need science teachers who know what they're teaching. I'd think that with a Master's degree and my lab teaching experience, I could get a job teaching at a private school where we had the lab supplies we'd need... but part of me wants the average kids to get me as their teacher - they're the more important ones to me. They're the ones who don't have people in the sciences in their families and think that the only way out is to go to medical school. I'm also very organized, and I can get all sorts of things done and accomplished because I have certain standards that I would make the students live up to...

I think I'm going to pause my pontification for now and see what I'd need to do to become a certified high school teacher. I'll come back later and let you know what I think after I look into this more...