Tuesday, August 02, 2005

So I realized why I don't like my car...

...and why I feel the way I do about Ed's car and the possibility of him getting a miata...

Firstly, why I don't like my car: It's plain, has no pizazz, and is an upper-lower class to lower-middle class car. I happen to be an elitist who doesn't like driving around in Brentwood with a car that looks like my parents bought it for me when I turned 16 - I like the idea of having an 'adult' car now that I've got an adult life. Sure, it runs good and it keeps its mouth shut and takes a bit of a beating because I'm a dopey girl who doesn't know what I should do to keep it top-notch. Sure, I shouldn't complain about it. That doesn't make me feel any different about it, though. The main reason I don't like the car is that I don't think it reflects who I am. Now I've never been the type to get too wrapped up in something silly like a car - but this car is only the second one I've owned. The first car I owned was a 1990 Cutlass Calais that I had from the time I was 17 until right after Natha was born. When I was rear-ended for the second time, the car was totaled and I had to get a new one when Natha was 6 weeks old. I didn't think much about it, I just went with Natha's dad and picked out a shiny green car that I could afford and had my mom co-sign with me since I couldn't finance it myself. I was a flibbertigibbet back when I bought that car, a person who didn't know shit from shinola. I waited until I had the credit to refinance the car for a lower monthly payment a year and a half ago as a Mother's day present for my mom - I would have traded it in, but I was still upside down and I was about to go back to graduate school. That was a step in the right direction to make the car my sole responsibility - and I've still got the same car, almost 5 years later. Getting the bright new car was a sign of my new adult status as I now had a kid - my car insurance was even the adult rate since I was a mother - I was 21. I went from the car my parents gave me to the car I picked and would pay for and I felt very grown-up about the whole process. It was the first thing I had on my credit since I screwed up those two credit cards in college and wasn't *allowed* any more credit for a long time. There are a lot of emotions, situations, and choices associated with that car - and I'm not that person anymore. To put it bluntly, the car reminds me of ill-advised, hasty, and not-so-bright decisions I've made prior to when I *actually* grew up 2 years ago. There are guys that I associate with that car other my husband - not that I actually did much in the car, but that the passenger side was occupied by someone else other than him on (not too) many occasions. There are reminders of the bad decisions I made about Natha in that car - like letting him run amuck all the time and not making him keep his part of the car clean. That's a larger symbol of how I just let him flail about so long and didn't give him any direction or use any real discipline with him. There are lots of memories of being alone in that car - sure, Natha was there, but it was just him and me - no one else. Memories of us just doing what we felt like on a friday night and not having anyone else to share it with. That car is what I had when I was a single person raising a child and living alone in a poor neighborhood.

Honestly, I'm *so* over that part of my life now.

Yes, I'm an elitist. No, I'm not expecting to be 'saved' from my car which reminds me of so many things. That's why I put the bumper stickers on the car - to make it newer and exciting - to make me more comfortable with the idea of being stuck with the car. I was just looking forward to driving a car I felt more reflected who I was and the current situation in my life. Yes, I know that's spoiled of me - I prefer to call it 'taken care of'. Sometimes I'm just a pain in the ass like that. I'm not sorry for liking being a trophy wife. ;)

It's about time to take Natha to karate, then he's with his dad tonight. I had a good night last night, just being quiet and reading. We'll see how tonight shapes up...


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