Tuesday, February 15, 2005

So there are many 'interesting' events transpiring...

with my family lately, after a pretty long 'uneventful' spell. What I'd call typical family drama, disappointment, and even happiness. Just that my family hasn't ever been typical - with my family being relatively small (especially compared to Ed's!) there's not as many people to do typical family things like get married, have children, have surgery, etc. So when one of those things happens, it's a bigger deal. Lately there's just been more 'big deal for my family' things. Hopefully things will work out ok in the end and everything will be back to uneventful.

Which brings up a somewhat depressing but all-the-more-important topic of people dying. I've come to grips that one day my cat will one day no longer exist, and she'll go out of my life the same way as she came in - somewhat unexpected but very 'there'. I can't say I've said the same thing about people in my family. Come to think of it, not a single one of my close-but-extended family members has died in the last 15 years, which is about the range I can remember. Since I've been born, the only ones that have passed on have been aunts & uncles on my dad's side, people with whom I wasn't very familiar anyways. I can say I've been lucky to have all my grandparents at this point - the only one I can say I've lost was my stepdad's father, but that was after I'd met him twice, and I was about 13. Even though I barely knew him it upset me a great deal - I'm sure my mom & stepdad were even surprised I was as emotional as I was. Back then (and I still am, really) I was the girl that you didn't see the negative emotions out of - any anger, resentment, sadness, or even critique I had I kept to myself. I've since reformed my ways for the sake of mental health & clarity of thought, not to mention honesty with myself. I think that the reason that I was as torn up at that funeral was that it was the first time 'it' made me look at something I ignored the rest of the time. Not a big deal, I can hear you say - people ignore things all the time. I ignore things in a different way than your average bear, though. It's not a 'coping' mechanism or typical ignorance on my part, I just don't think about it. I don't try to not think about it or purposefully put it out of my mind, it just doesn't occur to me in the most natural yet informed ignorance possible. I have a probability that the negative life event is there and most likely in a particular time orbital, I just know that the more I try and pin it down the more I change the system as a whole, so I don't even try. I'm simultaneously thinking and not thinking about it - maybe I need to hook it up to some cat-in-a-box apparatus.

I keep in my mind at all times that everyone is inherently good and that things will continue on their current path to a point of perfection until someone makes a bad decision and throws things off. In my universe, the ultimate point is perfection in a very natural, easy, uncontrived way, and the unverse tends toward that state until acted upon by mortals who think they know better than the natural order of things. I think it's the ultimate source of my perkiness and love of bright colors, truthfully. Even though I have my demons the same as everyone else, I don't fight mine. They're just not there in my mind until they're blaringly obvious, then I pay proper attention to them and they go away either permanently or until they feel they've been ignored and they think 'Hey, we can catch her off guard - she's not paying attention!' The ones that get me in trouble are the ones I don't deal with in due time - they politely pester me to death, and I try artificial means of appeasement to the nth degree to no avail, *then* I realize what the problem has been all along. It also makes one an honest person who can't lie, obscure, or manipulate her way out of a paper bag. Though I'd rather have it my way than be able to sell cars or make it in the corporate world. I'm much more likely to carry good karma, though, which is how I prefer it. Organization is the bliss on the way to the perfection, at least for me. I just didn't find it until about a year ago.

Let's hope the nature of my universe doesn't find something major to rear its ugly head too soon. I need to do some more background thinking about it first, please. You can't say I didn't ask.

Ed did well on his test today - I always like it when people receive the fruits of their labors when it comes to studying and putting forth true academic effort, chanting 'Terminal procrastination be damned!'

I think the closest thing in my brain to an adrenaline rush is the feeling of being thoroughly prepared for any question proposed by the professor at any point during class, test, discussion, or otherwise. Is it the rush that makes me Hermione or the Hermione-ness that gives me the rush?? Other than that, I'm a serotonin junkie, plain & simple. I also don't want to be cured. Ever. Nor do I want my love of oxytocin to go anywhere - see, I am weird - I even have my favorite hormones!

Oh, Ed and I asked Natha the other day during breakfast the other morning 'Which came first, the chicken or the egg?'. He was trying to cute his way out of it, then just got caught in an infinite loop. I love giving grown-up serious questions to kids in such a casual context that you never know what they're going to answer, but it's going to be interesting. That and the things I've had to tell the kid at some point in time that you'd never think you'd have to say to anyone, like, 'Natha, that's what happens when you put a shovel down your pants! Things get hurt!' and 'No, Natha, cats don't like marshmallows.'

Time for beddie-bye. Going to call the 'ol man (he's sooo much older! I can't believe it! 4 whole months! I hope it doesn't cause problems in our relationship!) and see what he's up to. Hopefully he's not doing coke off that 19-year-old again. I'll have to shove three more of the 'Somebody loves Eduardo' neon smiley face pencils up his nose. ;)


Post a Comment

<< Home