Sunday, February 13, 2005

So tomorrow is valentine's day...

and I'm sure that Ed can't wait for me to 'give him' his present. That isn't supposed to be some *nudge nudge wink wink* thing, really folks, but I wonder what he's got in store for me... not that it really matters since he's moving in with me in *Brentwood* but a girl doesn't want to be completely unnoticed on valentine's day, even if she insists she 'really really doesn't care'. No, that's not a hint dear, I promise. If I wanted something I'd just come out and ask for something. I really really don't care. ;)

I'm about to get da kid back from his dad- which means I'm descending into mommy-mode. That used to entail a lot more than it does now - now I just want to be ready for his presence. Before it meant all kinds of changing my mindset and preparing the house, etc. I couldn't believe that people who had kids actually still did 'single people stuff' like go out to clubs & on dates. I felt like I should stay home all the time and if I didn't I was somehow shortchanging my child. Then I realized that being away from him makes me appreciate him that much more - I want to see him when the time comes around for him to come back. As compared to living for the moment when he's not there and 'oh woe is me'ing since I have a kid with me 'all the time', I divide my time into 'Natha-centric' and 'Task-centric' times of the day/week. That way I get my time, and he gets his with his mom. It was actually once I mini-divided the time that I started not needing nearly-meditative means to get myself prepared for the re-arrival of the golden child. Sometime stuff's funny like that. I also realized that before, I was living my life like how the rest of society thought I should as a 'single mom'. Once I figured out for myself that I didn't belong in that 'category', I realized I was a mother who happened to be not dating anyone at the time, which is something society didn't have any rules professed for, therefore I got to make up the rules myself. That's the key, people - lead yourself to think you're outside the category then make up your own category for the sake of making your own rules. I know it's a lot like when you're in vim and vigor of your teens and you decide to declare your house a different country from the USA because you want to do it your way with your rules and eventually apply for foreign aid as a source of funding then you get distracted by some other bright shiny object and forget what you and your best friend had decided was 'the absolute way to go' because some cool video just came on MTV. I just feel like I'm sticking with something I decided rather than falling prey to the bright shiny object laid upon the altar of motherhood. So there, I skirted right around that logic. Ha-ha! You can't get me, society!

But now I feel like it's kicking me in the ass, this category I made. I don't fit into it anymore - I'm dating someone, a fabulous, stay together indefinitely someone. Which puts me in the category of 'the mom, stepdad, and kid who visits his father still' - which I despise that category. So, it's time to make up some new rules, and declare the house in brentwood our own country so we can do it our way. Too bad we can't get foreign aid... Oh well... When I figure out the category we're in (note the we) I'll be sure to let you know. I'm sure I can get around this one, too!!

And yes, I know I'm semi-deluded, but I'm highly functional & productive, somewhat interesting, and a good all-around person, so that's ok. At least I think so. Which we all know is what counts. :)


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